October.

...well, not quite.

I've felt so conflicted the past few days, what with trying to hold on to old habits while the part of me that craves sanity is growing louder by the day.

I just don't want to slip back into the horrid sadness, where I won't want to go anywhere/do anything. It was hard enough getting where I am.

..but then in the ED'd mind, it feels like I've fallen behind. Had a setback, if you will. It wasn't sadness, but protection--the world around me is just trying to slow me down. People are a distraction I simply cannot afford. Distance, isolate, CONTAIN YOURSELF.

.........

Solution: Detox. Fruits, vegetables, brown rice, cranberry/orange/lemon juice, etc. No dairy, no meat (gotta jump back on this bandwagon), no junk or caffeine (sadly). OH, and no smoking...argh.
How long? I don't know. I suppose until I make a decision which path I'll take. This way, maybe I'll get some peace?

Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Want a guaranteed way to make your inferiority complex worse?

Go to a rave: there will be thousands of ridiculously gorgeous girls (most of which will refuse to wear clothes), and everywhere you look you're bound to find at least 10 in the area whose BMIs haven't changed since 3rd grade (you won't find that many bones in a graveyard).

Now that I've got that out, it should be no surprise I went to Nocturnal this past Saturday.
I definitely had the best time of my life, hands DOWN. I wasn't a fan of having to eat fast food prior to the event, but my friend insisted I'd get sick otherwise. I had a veg burger to calm her down, and water the entire time we were there.

I ended up 2 pounds lighter getting back home (probably because we were walking around and sweating like crazy for almost 11 hours) so I can't complain. I've dropped another pound between yesterday and today so I'm really just sitting here at my new (not so) low weight, waiting to see if I'll fuck it up like I'm prone to do.

I finally have my internet again..

So I've moved house, and am now in an area where the streets are long, the beach is plentiful, and people run/bike around half-naked all day long.

I am SO fucked.

News..well I'll list the topics and go into details:
-Rave
-Ex-best friend
-ED????????

Rave:
I've decided to bite the bullet and go to a rave with my ex-best friend..I find it so weird how much she's willing to talk to me now I've decided to tag along. Only a few weeks ago it was impossible to get a hold of her :/. Glad we're not too close anymore, let me just say that.
As things go, it's next week. My only hope is I don't miraculously expand 590582390 kg (though it feels I'm halfway there already). Oh, and that while I'm 'dancing' I don't in actuality look like a whale having some sort of a fit.

Ex-BF:
She has always been a little girl: she was 'a size 2 on a fat day' when we were close and would always complain of her hipbones poking out..it irked me to no end, but wanting to be a good friend, I just dealt with it.
She gained weight thanks to college life, and lost quite a bit of it in about a month.
And yes, I do hate it because I'm still larger than her and I have to yet AGAIN sit through the discussion of how little she is height/weight-wise.

She made me feel inadequate, boring, and like a fat monster every time we were together..guess some things never change, huh?

ED:
I can purge still, but I've stopped binging. No binge=no motivation to purge.
Why am I not seeing this as a good thing?

I used to bitch non-stop about how desperately I needed to stop. I've stopped.
...But I need to lose more. Of course.

[In short, I'm physically better, but mentally I'm just as bad as before so I feel like a fake though it's only been about a month of better eating]

Two weeks' time.

I really don't mean to go missing like this, honest.

To bring things up to speed a bit:
-You really can lose track of time between movies and YouTube videos. They're dangerous, I swear (yes that's all I was doing, and yes it is sad). I saw five movies yesterday alone; I'm surprised I can even tolerate looking at this screen right now.

- I hung around my two ex-friends (and their friends) Sunday (because I seem to get off on being in stupid, dramatic situations :/)...I don't even know what to say about that. I've given the excuse I'm now using them just to get out the house when I'm bored. This is only half-true. The other half is afraid they'll be cruel/uncaring if I told them we're not friends anymore. All about me..as my life should be I guess.

- I'm two days purge-free, one day binge-free. Honestly, I'm glad I'm making some form of progress. I've had 706 today. If I wanted, I'd have more. I'm just trying to get to a less chaotic attitude towards eating.