Don't think I want to leave my room any time soon..

This is the second time I've stopped up the pipes in this house. It's official--this house and its pipes SUCK ASS!

I feel terrible, causing this hassle for my mum.
I'm disgusting, and no longer deserve food: it'll only end up in the drains [to be RE-clogged]..

And I can't tell her I just did it--the last time I did, she just said 'Well, can you stop?...Go watch TV, I think you being on the computer all day is causing this.'

So I can't say anything anymore. I just am not allowed to eat like others do anymore.
..so much for 'recovery.'

I don't have all that much to say..

I don't feel the least bit optimistic I'll ever start eating properly.

8-13.5: COE
13.5-16: Non-purging bulimia
16-now [19]: purging bulimia (and recently, restriction)

There's no norm to which I can return..maybe I can practice CRON next time I wish to recover? Their goal is to get as much nutritional density in as few calories as possible...this is, of course, assuming I'll ever stop purging.

Well, happy December. Hope it's a good one, guys.

Bloaty belly!!!

I have one. And I really don't mind, it's a good day today.

Ahh, I should make Blogger my homepage--feels like I'll never remember to pop up otherwise..
I've dropped just a bit of weight..so naturally the Red Demon comes a callin'.

Dropped to a new low, went up 1.5 from excess binging, then another 1.5 from the period, and now dropped a pound off the total gain..in case you don't feel like adding that up, I've 2 pounds left to get back to my lowest weight. From there I want another 2 lost by the end of the month.

I only hope I'll keep it off, what with Candy Day and all.

October.

...well, not quite.

I've felt so conflicted the past few days, what with trying to hold on to old habits while the part of me that craves sanity is growing louder by the day.

I just don't want to slip back into the horrid sadness, where I won't want to go anywhere/do anything. It was hard enough getting where I am.

..but then in the ED'd mind, it feels like I've fallen behind. Had a setback, if you will. It wasn't sadness, but protection--the world around me is just trying to slow me down. People are a distraction I simply cannot afford. Distance, isolate, CONTAIN YOURSELF.

.........

Solution: Detox. Fruits, vegetables, brown rice, cranberry/orange/lemon juice, etc. No dairy, no meat (gotta jump back on this bandwagon), no junk or caffeine (sadly). OH, and no smoking...argh.
How long? I don't know. I suppose until I make a decision which path I'll take. This way, maybe I'll get some peace?

Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Want a guaranteed way to make your inferiority complex worse?

Go to a rave: there will be thousands of ridiculously gorgeous girls (most of which will refuse to wear clothes), and everywhere you look you're bound to find at least 10 in the area whose BMIs haven't changed since 3rd grade (you won't find that many bones in a graveyard).

Now that I've got that out, it should be no surprise I went to Nocturnal this past Saturday.
I definitely had the best time of my life, hands DOWN. I wasn't a fan of having to eat fast food prior to the event, but my friend insisted I'd get sick otherwise. I had a veg burger to calm her down, and water the entire time we were there.

I ended up 2 pounds lighter getting back home (probably because we were walking around and sweating like crazy for almost 11 hours) so I can't complain. I've dropped another pound between yesterday and today so I'm really just sitting here at my new (not so) low weight, waiting to see if I'll fuck it up like I'm prone to do.

I finally have my internet again..

So I've moved house, and am now in an area where the streets are long, the beach is plentiful, and people run/bike around half-naked all day long.

I am SO fucked.

News..well I'll list the topics and go into details:
-Rave
-Ex-best friend
-ED????????

Rave:
I've decided to bite the bullet and go to a rave with my ex-best friend..I find it so weird how much she's willing to talk to me now I've decided to tag along. Only a few weeks ago it was impossible to get a hold of her :/. Glad we're not too close anymore, let me just say that.
As things go, it's next week. My only hope is I don't miraculously expand 590582390 kg (though it feels I'm halfway there already). Oh, and that while I'm 'dancing' I don't in actuality look like a whale having some sort of a fit.

Ex-BF:
She has always been a little girl: she was 'a size 2 on a fat day' when we were close and would always complain of her hipbones poking out..it irked me to no end, but wanting to be a good friend, I just dealt with it.
She gained weight thanks to college life, and lost quite a bit of it in about a month.
And yes, I do hate it because I'm still larger than her and I have to yet AGAIN sit through the discussion of how little she is height/weight-wise.

She made me feel inadequate, boring, and like a fat monster every time we were together..guess some things never change, huh?

ED:
I can purge still, but I've stopped binging. No binge=no motivation to purge.
Why am I not seeing this as a good thing?

I used to bitch non-stop about how desperately I needed to stop. I've stopped.
...But I need to lose more. Of course.

[In short, I'm physically better, but mentally I'm just as bad as before so I feel like a fake though it's only been about a month of better eating]

Two weeks' time.

I really don't mean to go missing like this, honest.

To bring things up to speed a bit:
-You really can lose track of time between movies and YouTube videos. They're dangerous, I swear (yes that's all I was doing, and yes it is sad). I saw five movies yesterday alone; I'm surprised I can even tolerate looking at this screen right now.

- I hung around my two ex-friends (and their friends) Sunday (because I seem to get off on being in stupid, dramatic situations :/)...I don't even know what to say about that. I've given the excuse I'm now using them just to get out the house when I'm bored. This is only half-true. The other half is afraid they'll be cruel/uncaring if I told them we're not friends anymore. All about me..as my life should be I guess.

- I'm two days purge-free, one day binge-free. Honestly, I'm glad I'm making some form of progress. I've had 706 today. If I wanted, I'd have more. I'm just trying to get to a less chaotic attitude towards eating.

Migraine.

I hate migraines.
I hate them even more when nothing you do eases the pain.
But I guess it's not all that important right now.

Classes start this Monday; considering how badly housing fucked me over, I'll be lucky to get into even two classes this semester.
That's still two classes full of people with whom I really won't converse. Two courses that will be too simple to BS; two rooms in which I won't bother to stand out.
I just can't seem to really connect with anyone--is it my fault I'm not a party person because any group greater than 3 people makes me nervous, or that my world (as small as it is) doesn't revolve around drugs/alcohol, parties, or sex?

Wake up.Go to class.Come home.Stay up until ~3 AM.
That's all I'll be doing the next 4 months.

College is a great place for a lot of people, but for me it's a trigger for depression/heavy binging/obsessions and compulsive behavior/self-destructive behavior/overall great times.

Oh, and my sarcasm levels shoot up around this time as well.

Maybe if I'm lucky I can find a job somewhere to pass the rest of the time that should have been taken up by class...but I don't know what I could possibly find that would allow me to stay out of sight. Everyone seems to want help to work out in front: I can't even manage to sit in the front of a classroom for an hour--what makes them think I would want to be in the front of a store for 4-8?

Took half a month, but I've finally made up my mind.

I've decided to say fuck you to my old friends, and anyone else who just seems to piss me off nowadays. I've made it through my shittiest moments all alone, so I figure I can make my life fantastic whilst going solo.
--
I swear I'm not bragging when I say this (since it rarely happens anyways), but when I actually EAT (not binge) and just happen to write out my intake it usually hits 300-500 without trying. My conclusion is I was meant to be the sort of person who simply has a small appetite. However emotional trauma/COE made me into a massive cow. FML.

I've had ~600 for the day, so I'll water binge the rest of the day. I seem to be ridiculously thirsty anyways.
--
I can't stop fidgeting, can't stop the urge to plan the rest of my week (calorically-speaking), can't get the image of my ideal waist out of my head (creepy but true), and I can't stop listening to...well, 'Can't Stop' by RHCP. Coincidence? I think not.

The drama was pretty simple: Len was leaving, I wanted to see him. I didn't get to; instead he spent his last day with all his closest friends...and my ex-best friend.
Everyone was there except for me. Both of them were my friends and neither cared to call me about it.

IDGAF if he mostly wanted to see me whenever we'd be alone/if he really was just after tail. He was supposed to be my friend and that was beyond assholish.

In other news I'm just a pound away from breaking into the next weight bracket.
There's no food in this house, nor will there be until Friday.
I think we know where this is going.

I've become Tumblr's whore.

I've been away almost a week.
I'm still in the same weight range (not a surprise to me at all).
There's just been ridiculous amounts of drama on my behalf; I'll update this later.

Numb.

I seem to have a growing interest in trance/techno music nowadays. The only thing I can seem to play anymore is something distorted and fluid.

It helps when you don't want to think of anything at all...like shitty friends and an even shittier body.
"Just escape...sleep...nothing else matters, so just drift away."

I dunno what else to say tonight. I asked Len if we were really friends (I know he's awake, he almost never sleeps).

He didn't answer.

I felt pretty horrid, then that fell away into apathy. I knew this moment was coming.
I know I was already in the middle of a fast, but I want to go on water now. 72 hours is the goal.
[.5/72, lol]

Don't need a gun to blow my mind.

39 hours: that's how long I managed. I only lost another .5 a pound at that point.
Two b/p sessions later, and I'm down another pound. I really wish it didn't play with my head like that; it'd be easier to stop.

Eh...in my defense, it was hard going on a bunch of soda. Hell, even water feels better than all carbonation.
I picked up some sweetener for tea/coffee and a bottle of Gatorade--round two starts at 1AM.

[Lost so far: 3.5 pounds.]

EDIT:
I had a body image sketch on my wall for about a month (if you've seen 'Thin,' you'll know what I'm talking about).
My mother took--no, tore it down today.

Personally, I think she should have read it instead of just tossing it away.
I left her a note where it used to be. The jist of it:

"Admit it: I'M FUCKED IN THE HEAD. The sooner you acknowledge this, the sooner everyone can move on. Since I can't see the real me anymore, you've just made it worse. Thanks, ma."

...I love being vindictive, but maybe I'll let her think she has control here. Hmm.

27 hours

Len is in his own little world, hellbent on being around those closest to him as much as possible. After all, he'll be gone tomorrow.

I am not one of these people. Hell, I'm not even allowed to be around when they come-a-knockin'.
I didn't get to see him the past three weeks, and I don't think I'll get to this last night.

I don't know if I care anymore.
~~
Onto other things.

I'm down two pounds [2/??], and 27.5 hours in (30.5%).
I'd be happy...if I weren't five pounds above my lowest...and another 30 above a decent number (for me).

Ah well. Back to my sleepless, caffeine-driven life.

Worn out.

I feel winded after that.
I didn't even bother to rinse. Whore.

I didn't eat that much:
Hot Cheetos
Big Texas Cinammon Roll
Snickers
Soda
Some shit I made with Phyllo dough, cream cheese, green onions, and some other crap..
[Considering I can go to 9000+, this is indeed a light binge.]

I'm just tired now, but I know I won't sleep. Maybe in 2-4 hours.
~~~
I wanted to see Len tonight since he'll be gone soon. He's been with all his other friends the past three weeks, so I felt I'd never get a chance.
Yesterday he said I could if he was home. Tonight he just flat out chose a video game rather than deal with me for an hour or so.

Insert sad/insecure thoughts, and this b/p session.
Still sad. Very much insecure. Not at all sure how to feel better.

Starting the fast in 16 minutes. Goal: 90 hours...for now.

Here again.

It's been so long since I last visited Blogger, it's ridiculous. About a year, I believe.

Since then:
-My nanny died. I almost cried just typing that; I still convince myself she's on a cruise somewhere. It'll be three months passed on the 14th.
-I've lost only a marginal amount of weight.
-I've been officially diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. However, since I was 18 at the time, nothing could be forced on me.
-I've reconnected with a male friend of mine (we'll call him Len), started to crush on him, and have had ups and downs over the past four months of friendship...he's leaving for a town 300 miles away on Saturday.

That's about all I can recall.

Why am I back? That's easy: I read a few blogs on here and figured it'd be easier to keep tabs by following them as opposed to just stalking anonymously. There are probably other reasons but that is the most logical, I suppose.
~~~~~
The past few weeks or so I've been eating semi-regularly and keeping more and more of it down. I'm not gaining at all, but the ED tells me I'm growing rolls of fat.

I've decided I'll start fasting at 3. Why three?
I've got to 'get rid' of the food I planned to eat later today.

Nothing like a good puking session at 2AM :/...sorry, sarcastic moment of the night is done.