Don't think I want to leave my room any time soon..

This is the second time I've stopped up the pipes in this house. It's official--this house and its pipes SUCK ASS!

I feel terrible, causing this hassle for my mum.
I'm disgusting, and no longer deserve food: it'll only end up in the drains [to be RE-clogged]..

And I can't tell her I just did it--the last time I did, she just said 'Well, can you stop?...Go watch TV, I think you being on the computer all day is causing this.'

So I can't say anything anymore. I just am not allowed to eat like others do anymore.
..so much for 'recovery.'

I don't have all that much to say..

I don't feel the least bit optimistic I'll ever start eating properly.

8-13.5: COE
13.5-16: Non-purging bulimia
16-now [19]: purging bulimia (and recently, restriction)

There's no norm to which I can return..maybe I can practice CRON next time I wish to recover? Their goal is to get as much nutritional density in as few calories as possible...this is, of course, assuming I'll ever stop purging.

Well, happy December. Hope it's a good one, guys.

Bloaty belly!!!

I have one. And I really don't mind, it's a good day today.

Ahh, I should make Blogger my homepage--feels like I'll never remember to pop up otherwise..
I've dropped just a bit of weight..so naturally the Red Demon comes a callin'.

Dropped to a new low, went up 1.5 from excess binging, then another 1.5 from the period, and now dropped a pound off the total gain..in case you don't feel like adding that up, I've 2 pounds left to get back to my lowest weight. From there I want another 2 lost by the end of the month.

I only hope I'll keep it off, what with Candy Day and all.

October.

...well, not quite.

I've felt so conflicted the past few days, what with trying to hold on to old habits while the part of me that craves sanity is growing louder by the day.

I just don't want to slip back into the horrid sadness, where I won't want to go anywhere/do anything. It was hard enough getting where I am.

..but then in the ED'd mind, it feels like I've fallen behind. Had a setback, if you will. It wasn't sadness, but protection--the world around me is just trying to slow me down. People are a distraction I simply cannot afford. Distance, isolate, CONTAIN YOURSELF.

.........

Solution: Detox. Fruits, vegetables, brown rice, cranberry/orange/lemon juice, etc. No dairy, no meat (gotta jump back on this bandwagon), no junk or caffeine (sadly). OH, and no smoking...argh.
How long? I don't know. I suppose until I make a decision which path I'll take. This way, maybe I'll get some peace?

Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Want a guaranteed way to make your inferiority complex worse?

Go to a rave: there will be thousands of ridiculously gorgeous girls (most of which will refuse to wear clothes), and everywhere you look you're bound to find at least 10 in the area whose BMIs haven't changed since 3rd grade (you won't find that many bones in a graveyard).

Now that I've got that out, it should be no surprise I went to Nocturnal this past Saturday.
I definitely had the best time of my life, hands DOWN. I wasn't a fan of having to eat fast food prior to the event, but my friend insisted I'd get sick otherwise. I had a veg burger to calm her down, and water the entire time we were there.

I ended up 2 pounds lighter getting back home (probably because we were walking around and sweating like crazy for almost 11 hours) so I can't complain. I've dropped another pound between yesterday and today so I'm really just sitting here at my new (not so) low weight, waiting to see if I'll fuck it up like I'm prone to do.

I finally have my internet again..

So I've moved house, and am now in an area where the streets are long, the beach is plentiful, and people run/bike around half-naked all day long.

I am SO fucked.

News..well I'll list the topics and go into details:
-Rave
-Ex-best friend
-ED????????

Rave:
I've decided to bite the bullet and go to a rave with my ex-best friend..I find it so weird how much she's willing to talk to me now I've decided to tag along. Only a few weeks ago it was impossible to get a hold of her :/. Glad we're not too close anymore, let me just say that.
As things go, it's next week. My only hope is I don't miraculously expand 590582390 kg (though it feels I'm halfway there already). Oh, and that while I'm 'dancing' I don't in actuality look like a whale having some sort of a fit.

Ex-BF:
She has always been a little girl: she was 'a size 2 on a fat day' when we were close and would always complain of her hipbones poking out..it irked me to no end, but wanting to be a good friend, I just dealt with it.
She gained weight thanks to college life, and lost quite a bit of it in about a month.
And yes, I do hate it because I'm still larger than her and I have to yet AGAIN sit through the discussion of how little she is height/weight-wise.

She made me feel inadequate, boring, and like a fat monster every time we were together..guess some things never change, huh?

ED:
I can purge still, but I've stopped binging. No binge=no motivation to purge.
Why am I not seeing this as a good thing?

I used to bitch non-stop about how desperately I needed to stop. I've stopped.
...But I need to lose more. Of course.

[In short, I'm physically better, but mentally I'm just as bad as before so I feel like a fake though it's only been about a month of better eating]

Two weeks' time.

I really don't mean to go missing like this, honest.

To bring things up to speed a bit:
-You really can lose track of time between movies and YouTube videos. They're dangerous, I swear (yes that's all I was doing, and yes it is sad). I saw five movies yesterday alone; I'm surprised I can even tolerate looking at this screen right now.

- I hung around my two ex-friends (and their friends) Sunday (because I seem to get off on being in stupid, dramatic situations :/)...I don't even know what to say about that. I've given the excuse I'm now using them just to get out the house when I'm bored. This is only half-true. The other half is afraid they'll be cruel/uncaring if I told them we're not friends anymore. All about me..as my life should be I guess.

- I'm two days purge-free, one day binge-free. Honestly, I'm glad I'm making some form of progress. I've had 706 today. If I wanted, I'd have more. I'm just trying to get to a less chaotic attitude towards eating.